On the night of December 2nd 2011, I had my first high school hockey game. I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my entire life. The butterflies I feel in my stomach is nothing I have ever experienced before. I feel as though my heart is beating out of my chest. I don't even know if I can make it on the ice before I pass out. Right when I stepped out on the ice I can feel my feet trembling. Why am I so nervous? This is what I have been waiting for and now that the time has come all I want to do is run off the ice. Now, for those of you who do not know the incredible game of hockey, you get a few minutes of warm up before the game actually begins. During this warm up my whole body is shaking. So many people are there watching us. As I look around the arena, I could notice three things. First, were all of the people there. Second, is the smell of popcorn and fried dough in the air. Lastly, is the large amounts of bright lights pointing down in our direction. Buzz! Warm up is over. It was time to start the game. Now of course I am not starting because this is my first year on varsity. Although I am not starting, that didn't mean my nerves went away. “Meaghan, you're up next". Right when I heard those words from my coach, my heart skipped a beat. At first I didn't even move because I thought that I might have been in a dream, Cheesy right? But it is true. I don’t even know what to say or where to go. "Meaghan..." my coach said. I got back to reality, went to the door, and stepped out onto the white ice. The ice was smooth, and shiny. I remember gliding to the faceoff and thinking to myself that I could do this. The whistle blew. Here we go. I heard the puck hit the ice, ever so slowly. The center had tied it up so I went in for the puck, which was in our end. I passed it to the far wing going up the boards. We were off to the races. It was a two on two. The crowd was cheering and I just skated as hard as I could to the net. I got the pass, and shot the puck. Now, as much as I would like to say I scored to make this story ten times better, I didn't. But that was okay. I know that I tried my hardest and that I gave it my all. Even if nobody else says that they’re proud of me, I was proud of myself. I got to the bench and everybody was cheering for me. My coach said that I had made him proud. I’m not going to lie; I got a little teary eyed. That game I was the only person to play continuously who just started varsity. I will never ever forget that game…it's one of the best moments of my life.
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Meaghan, it was very interesting to read about your game. It made it feel as if I was in the arena due to all of your detail. When did you first start playing hockey? I think that next time you could write a little bit about your team and what position you play.
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ReplyDeleteIt's funny--I never expected two of my students to be writing about their hockey experiences in the first blog post. I too played hockey as a youth, so I know the game, the rituals, the feelings, and the aftereffects.
ReplyDeleteA few writing tips:
1. Break future posts up into paragraphs. Readers are turned off by large blocks of unbroken text.
2. It's good to see you use the semicolon correctly--so few students do!
3. If you want to add dialogue to a piece like this, do so by hitting enter and starting a new paragraph.
4. You started this piece in the past tense, and quickly switched to present tense. However, at the end you reverted to past tense again. The choice of tense is not the most important factor, though present tense works well for an action-based piece. The most important factor is that the tense is consistent, and any switching between tenses is logical and easy to follow. I'd suggest this post is best if it is entirely present tense.
5. I agree with Paula. Your attention to detail is excellent. That's an area of strength for you.
6. This is how your post would look with correct paragraphing:
On the night of December 2nd 2011, I had my first high school hockey game. I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my entire life. The butterflies I feel in my stomach is nothing I have ever experienced before. I feel as though my heart is beating out of my chest. I don't even know if I can make it on the ice before I pass out. Right when I stepped out on the ice I can feel my feet trembling. Why am I so nervous? This is what I have been waiting for and now that the time has come all I want to do is run off the ice.
Now, for those of you who do not know the incredible game of hockey, you get a few minutes of warm up before the game actually begins. During this warm up my whole body is shaking. So many people are there watching us. As I look around the arena, I could notice three things. First, were all of the people there. Second, is the smell of popcorn and fried dough in the air. Lastly, is the large amounts of bright lights pointing down in our direction.
Buzz! Warm up is over. It was time to start the game. Now of course I am not starting because this is my first year on varsity. Although I am not starting, that didn't mean my nerves went away.
“Meaghan, you're up next".
Right when I heard those words from my coach, my heart skipped a beat. At first I didn't even move because I thought that I might have been in a dream, Cheesy right? But it is true. I don’t even know what to say or where to go.
"Meaghan..." my coach said. I got back to reality, went to the door, and stepped out onto the white ice. The ice was smooth, and shiny. I remember gliding to the faceoff and thinking to myself that I could do this.
The whistle blew. Here we go. I heard the puck hit the ice, ever so slowly. The center had tied it up so I went in for the puck, which was in our end. I passed it to the far wing going up the boards. We were off to the races. It was a two on two. The crowd was cheering and I just skated as hard as I could to the net. I got the pass, and shot the puck. Now, as much as I would like to say I scored to make this story ten times better, I didn't. But that was okay. I know that I tried my hardest and that I gave it my all. Even if nobody else says that they’re proud of me, I was proud of myself.
I got to the bench and everybody was cheering for me. My coach said that I had made him proud. I’m not going to lie; I got a little teary eyed. That game I was the only person to play continuously who just started varsity. I will never ever forget that game…it's one of the best moments of my life.